February 8, 2011

Luke

February 6, 2011

Here is a pretty picture of the tree in my apartment complex’s courtyard in summer. It will be nice when it gets warm again.

February 6, 2011

Lots of Words- Hello 2011

I’ve been on hiatus for longer than I thought I would be. When I am at home on break from school I hardly pay attention to the internet. The only times I ever seemed to go online were when I wanted to see what was happening in the world- usually by news- or to occasionally check Facebook. I feel like when I’m back in KC the internet kind of becomes my emotional crutch, a replacement for the social interaction and closeness I have with people when I visit home. Which makes my feelings towards it bittersweet at best. It ends up being a source of information, entertainment, distraction, all those things, but it is not the same as just being within the vicinity of someone I love. Obviously. I don’t think I have a point, but I am apologizing for not updating for so long.

Money is tight, and getting tighter as the spring semester rolls on. No one ever knows when their financial aid is going to come in, they can only ever loosely approximate. Penny-pinching is going to be my way of life for a very long time thanks to my education. Penny-pinching almost sounds pleasant, or quaint in some way, but I mean it in a desperate sense. Everyone should be able to be educated without it costing them their livelihood.. in an ideal world. Sometimes I really wish that I had gone to school for something other than art. But I am not really good at any other thing. Having interest in things and being good at them are two completely different concepts. I guess this is just my calling in life. In a time when my country tells me that artists aren’t needed, but math and science teachers are. My life and aspirations have always been limited by some restriction, but the closer I get to graduating the tighter those restrictions become, or my awareness of new ones brings about new fears. I want to live in a place where I can stand on my own two feet as a working artist, not where I will continue to struggle in every sense and end up hating it.

I don’t know. If I keep working hard, I think I can make things work. But working hard doesn’t always get people what they want. I live in a world with many people who have worked their hardest and been through so much more than I have but it still didn’t get them what they wanted. I am in a world where people really can fail, and aren’t “good enough.” This is not a pessimistic view, it is reality. Another restriction.

December 10, 2010

December 10, 1942 – January 17, 2001

Happy birthday, Dad. I miss you.

November 20, 2010

There’s Nowhere Else to Go

I keep searching for a distraction,
something to keep me
occupied other than what I know
I need to do-
if that is, indeed,
what I need-
which is wherein the
problem lies. I don’t know
what I need
I only know what I want.
It isn’t here, or now.
So where, when is it?
Goddammit, already.

I’m growing tired

of waiting.

November 16, 2010

SIGH.

November 6, 2010

Just a Reflection

My life is filled with things that come to an end.
Abrupt, gradual, uncontrollable, accepting. I am slowly learning more about myself and why I am the way I am and if I am normal. Normal in general, normal in aspiration, normal in expectations.
I am pleased to discover that I mostly am.
I am displeased to find that I could be happier. Though things could always be better; life has taught me this much. And that means that there will never come a time when giving up will be the appropriate response.
Giving up is different than acceptance.
I’m glad I know this now.

October 24, 2010

We Looked Like Giants

Something about this song that is all too relative to things that have happened to me, to others around me. I sometimes wish I could stop listening to it. Been years and I still come back to it. What a feeling.

____________________

God bless the daylight
The sugary smell of springtime
Remembering when you were mine
In a still, suburban town
When every Thursday
I’d brave those mountain passes
And you’d skip your early classes
And we’d learn how our bodies worked

Goddamn the black night
With all its foul temptations
I’ve become what I always hated
When I was with you there
We looked like giants
In the back of my gray sub-compact
Fumbling to make contact
As the others slept inside

And together there
In the shroud of frost
The mountain air began to pass
Through every pane of weathered glass
And I held you closer
Than anyone would ever get

Do you remember the JAMC?
And reading aloud from magazines?
I don’t know about you
But I’d swear on my name
They could smell it on me
And I’ve never been too good with secrets
(No . . .)

All together there
In a shroud of frost
The mountain air began to pass
Through every pane of weathered glass
And I held you closer

 

October 15, 2010

Don’t Worry

I’m still alive. And I’ll hopefully have something update-worthy soon.

October 1, 2010

I love writing. You realize things you would have otherwise missed by just thinking.