Lots of Words- Hello 2011

I’ve been on hiatus for longer than I thought I would be. When I am at home on break from school I hardly pay attention to the internet. The only times I ever seemed to go online were when I wanted to see what was happening in the world- usually by news- or to occasionally check Facebook. I feel like when I’m back in KC the internet kind of becomes my emotional crutch, a replacement for the social interaction and closeness I have with people when I visit home. Which makes my feelings towards it bittersweet at best. It ends up being a source of information, entertainment, distraction, all those things, but it is not the same as just being within the vicinity of someone I love. Obviously. I don’t think I have a point, but I am apologizing for not updating for so long.

Money is tight, and getting tighter as the spring semester rolls on. No one ever knows when their financial aid is going to come in, they can only ever loosely approximate. Penny-pinching is going to be my way of life for a very long time thanks to my education. Penny-pinching almost sounds pleasant, or quaint in some way, but I mean it in a desperate sense. Everyone should be able to be educated without it costing them their livelihood.. in an ideal world. Sometimes I really wish that I had gone to school for something other than art. But I am not really good at any other thing. Having interest in things and being good at them are two completely different concepts. I guess this is just my calling in life. In a time when my country tells me that artists aren’t needed, but math and science teachers are. My life and aspirations have always been limited by some restriction, but the closer I get to graduating the tighter those restrictions become, or my awareness of new ones brings about new fears. I want to live in a place where I can stand on my own two feet as a working artist, not where I will continue to struggle in every sense and end up hating it.

I don’t know. If I keep working hard, I think I can make things work. But working hard doesn’t always get people what they want. I live in a world with many people who have worked their hardest and been through so much more than I have but it still didn’t get them what they wanted. I am in a world where people really can fail, and aren’t “good enough.” This is not a pessimistic view, it is reality. Another restriction.


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