Archive for March, 2010

March 30, 2010

HALT

Hammer-Zeit.

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March 26, 2010

Bad G(uy)irl

A girl like me has the misfortune luxury of having choices.

This leads to becoming the decision-maker.

Thus, becoming the bad guy.

March 24, 2010

What He Said to Me

God have mercy on any man who falls in love with you.

I love you.

I’m still in love with you.

I can’t hate you.

Are we going to work?

I think I’m in love with you, Melissa Henson.


It’s so much easier to just not speak with me

at all.

March 23, 2010

I’m thinking about my dad. I visited his grave the other day on my way back to KC; I cleaned it off and dug the dirt out of the letters on the tombstone with my fingernails. There were no flowers. I walked around. I laid down. I miss his big hands and tattoos.

I was carving wood today and I thought of him. The layers of the wood reminded me of skin, of decomposition. I remembered his body lying in the bed. I remembered his bruised blue and purple hands and feet. I remember my mom crying. Her birthday was the following day.

I remember the first time I ate corn on the cob. He taught me how to eat it. Lawn mowing, flower-picking, seven bean soup, log cabin, vanilla ice cream every night. I remember all these things he did. He never left me out.

Memories are bittersweet.

March 18, 2010

Midterms >:[

So much to do and so little time. Whyyyyyyy?

March 9, 2010

It’s My Birthday

…What now?

March 8, 2010

Catalyst

These past few weeks have been hard… midterms really take it outta me. I’ve got critiques both the week before and after spring break and a research paper. My mind just isn’t where it needs to be right now. I’ve been making these books for a class… we have a critique on Wednesday. I still need to put together two coptics and a codex, as well as fill them all with some sort of content.

A book with coptic binding.

I just want to be in a vacuum. What exactly am I doing here? Will I even be able to do anything worthwhile with my degree when I graduate? What would be worthwhile, anyway? I don’t even know what I mean when I say that. Maybe it’s just that my current attitude is warping whatever outlook I have for my future, but what if it’s not just that? I’ve been seriously doubting myself lately. Why am I here? Am I happy? Where is my relationship going? It’s all jumbling up inside my head and I find myself forgetting what day it is, how old I am, being perceptive and taking in all of these things but not being able to do anything with them. I’m a failure of a catalyst. Fuck.